A Parent’s Digital Technology Confession Part II
Shocking.
Bad parent.
Change.
These are the initial three words to best describe my feelings while hearing speaker James Steyer, author of the book “Talking Back to Facebook” the other evening.
James Steyer author of “Talking Back to Facebook” and Founder and CEO of Common Sense Media.
Mr. Steyer, one of the country’s most respected experts on children’s media and education was a gracious and a more than qualified speaker. As a parent, I felt honored to become better informed and armed with the latest tips, strategies and data about digital technology and media. He did not personally spark these emotions.
It was all me. It was the part of my heart and brain as the loving parent of two young girls and wife.
Last week, I discussed the evolution of technology over the past 35 years of my life in my post “A Parent’s Digital Technology Confession.” However, I feel compelled to share my thoughts following the presentation for those that could not attend.
Before leaving that evening, my eight-year-old daughter asked where I was going. I explained that I was attending an event to learn about how to better “help her as a parent when it comes to using technology.” She fretfully responded, “Oh no, mom, you are going to take our technology away!”
Red flag alert.
Faces of Concern
I sat with other parents in the crowd. I could see the looks of worry and distress as images of young girls displaying their bare bodies on Facebook, young boys stabbing characters in video games and children with their eyes glazed over like zombies flashed across the screen.
A large knot had began forming in my throat during most of the presentation.
However, the shock and awe didn’t end there:
• Over the past five years, there has been an increase in media use – from nearly 6 1/2 hours to over 7 1/2 hours today.
• Kids ages eight to 18 spend more time with media than they do with their parents, or in school.
• Consumer Reports reported last year that more than 7.5 million American kids under the age of 13 have joined Facebook.
• Teenagers text an average of 3,400 times a month.
Enough stats to make you realize that “Parent of the Year Award” may not adorn your mantle?
Well, I am “guilty” like many of you. I am guilty of offering my kids the “shut-up toy” as Mr. Steyer referred to it. I too often hand over the iPhone, iPad, television – so I can focus on my task at hand.
In my head I think: “That will keep them busy for awhile!” (Shaking your head up and down right now, uh?)
Change is a Comin’
During Mr. Steyer’s talk, I felt an internal change occurring, though. With my iPhone, blog, Web site, laptop and social media, I feel as though I’ve been under the hypnosis and addiction of media and digital technology. This partially explains why it has been rather easy for me to hand this addiction to my children.
I had evolved into a technology and media zombie. I had let media control me. Rather than me control it.
Once the bad parent guilt slightly faded, I began to make a plan for change by jotting down this list down:
For my kids:
1) Reset and reinforce screen time limits
2) Schedule theme nights that don’t involve technology, such as an Outdoor Fun Time (rather than being inside), Game Night, Cooking Night, etc.
3) Encourage more free play, both alone and with playmates/other families
Photo credit: http;//www.myfourhensphotography.com
And just like our kids need rules, so do we as parents. I began to make another plan for myself.
For me:
1) Turn off my iPhone in the car (unless using for Google maps/hand free audio directions)
2) Limit/turn off computer/iPhone use between 3:00-7:00 p.m. (kids are out of school/awake these hours)
3) Limit/turn off computer/iPhone use when my husband arrives home from work (marriages can suffer from overuse of technology too!)
Now, you may be thinking these rules could be extreme. I am sure there will be days I mess up, but that’s OK. The important thing to remember is that it starts with me by role modeling healthy media and digital technology behavior.
You may also be thinking, so what if my kids uses digital technology and/or media for five or more hours per day?
Take a quick Google search.
The risk and dangers for kids who are overexposed to digital technology and media at early ages include obesity, lower grades, less content, poor social and relationship skills, poor body image perception, addiction and privacy issues.
Here are a few tips that Mr. Steyer offered for kids and parents:
For Parents
1. Set firm time limits: Minimal or no screen time for tots under two and average two hours a day for older kids.
2. Unplug: Take personal technology timeouts.
3. Do your homework: Choose age-appropriate material all platformsFor Kids
1. Cyberbullying and digital harassment is never okay: Stand up for others and flag cruel comments that you see online.
2. Always use the strictest online privacy settings: Make sure they’re up-to-date on all your devices.
3. Never share personal information or passwords online.
Check out Common Sense Media for more tips and ratings of children’s media.
So, wish me luck in my quest to be a better parent and role model when it comes to technology. Now, it’s time to turn off my laptop – the kids will be home from school any minute.
Are you guilty of offering your child the “shut-up” toy too often? How would you describe media/technology in your family? Do you need to make a plan for change? Any tips you could offer?
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About Author
clearly kristal
I grew up on the outskirts of a small California town in the Central Coast. In the 1970s, I was raised on a communal farm with two hippie (sometimes hick) parents, three sisters and a brother. By the late 1970s, we relocated to the "city." After watching countless episodes of the popular TV sitcom "Brady Bunch," I struggled throughout the years to assimilate into mainstream society. Eventually, I graduated with a journalism degree from a four-year college (a first in my family). For the last 15 years, I have been a professional communicator and consultant for several Fortune 500 companies (working for “the man” as my parents would say). However, my dream has always been to write – creatively with a passion for telling the story of my own experiences and unique upbringing. I started this blog with the hopes that my clear thoughts and epiphanies could have a positive impact. I also hope to someday publish my memoir. Now living in suburbia with a loving husband and two beautiful children, I hope to offer some perspective into my daily life blended with my past - because moments matter.
Thanks for sharing this information. Our kids (8 and 12) spend a lot of time on technology too. We have not set any firm time limits, but I am diligent about requiring them to do things that don’t involve screen time. I’m just as guilty as everybody else with my iPhone iPad and several blogs and pages on facebook. I’m also on twitter and Instagram to monitor what my kids do (including my 19 year old-the 12 year old is not on twitter). For the younger ones, the computers at home are all password protected and they have both signed an acceptable use policy that includes rules like no use after 9pm, no taking deuces upstairs, and safety guidelines like no checking in or following/friending anyone you don’t know. I don’t even like the 12 year old being on facebook and Instagram because she’s not 13 yet but it’s something we allowed only recently so she doesn’t feel like a pariah. Sadly most all of her friends have been on social media for a while. Only my husband and I have the passwords so she can’t even log herself in!
Susanne: I like the “rules” you set within moderation. You are allowing your children to learn – without being too strict. It also sounds like you’ve set healthy boundaries, or house rules. I like the tip of being the password holder. Thanks for stopping by…
PS it’s sad that our kids have to feel like pariahs for not using technology!
thank you kristal. i shuddered and shared. just set the timer for my kids to get offline. grumbles and groans notwithstanding.
Good for you, Molly! Go! Thanks for sharing and acting to make a change. There will be a payoff…
Thanks for sharing the information. I’m amazed at how much time kids (and adults) spend looking at screens! We wrote up an “acceptable use” policy for electronics for home just like they have at school. It includes things like: no posting or texting anything you wouldn’t want your parents or teachers to see, no taking the gadgets upstairs, no giving away your location or personal information, no following or friending people you don’t know, and no deleting anything. I don’t like my 12 year old on facebook or instagram, but since so many of her friends have it, we relented and let her have an account, but only my husband and I have the passwords. I’m on twitter to follow my 19 year old and keep up with her activity. We haven’t made firm rules about time on screens, but we are very aware that our kids (8 and 12) would spend all day and night on their devices if we let them, and we tell them when it’s time to put them down and do something that doesn’t include a screen. That’s tough for them because they’ve become so used to it!
Susanne: I love the “acceptable use policy.” I will steal that one for our household. I also know as parents (like you mentioned), we have to clearly set the rules, follow them and stay the course with a firm guiding hand. Ironically, we have to parent! Technology is not the parents – we are the parents. And we need to continue to step up without minimizing our kids’ ability to grow and compete in a world dominated by technology. It’s such a fine line. At a minimum, we are talking about it now and hopefully acting. Thanks for the thoughtful and insightful comments!
I am going to play devils advocate for a moment. I have set a very strict computer diet for myself, and that is what I have done for my son. I know he has homework after school, so he is allowed to use his computer for homework. In eighth-grade honors, sometimes he has hours of work to do. He is a competitive fencer, so I know he gets plenty of time to exercise — both in school and out of school.
The thing is, technology is here to stay. My son has learned so much by independently using the Internet. He has taught himself how to make movies, how to upload pictures to make these movies, how to make stop animation films, how to download Minecraft to his server, how to solve Complicated math equations which I could not help somewhere, and 1 million other things. The older he gets the more he is expected to use the Internet. This is a generation of children that is expected to know the ins and outs of the Internet.
In his honors Earth science class, he is expected to watch tutorials on the Internet and then come to class the next day with questions and be prepared to do the lab based on what he has seen. This is not the way I learned at all. I think kids are moving at such a fast clip these days that it is necessary to understand that schools are using the technology in ways that we never did. We want them to be computer literate without being computer addicted. There is a difference. It is very important to set limits for our kids, especially when they are young. no ipads or ipods at restaurants or the dinner table. they need to be plugged in to humans, but by age 14? they actually are expected to use the technology. A lot.
That said, I think the things you are talking about make a lot of sense for younger kids. Helping children to establish healthy computer habits when they are young is very important.
Great post!
Renee: I agree with you on both fronts actually. Our children need technology to compete, thrive and even survive. I think for younger kids the monitoring a stricter screen time limits are imperative. For older kids, as parents we still should be watchful and alert, but I don’t think the screen limits are nearly as strict. The guidelines provided by Mr. Steyer were general and did not apply across all ages.
There’s no doubt that technology is here to stay. I think it’s how we as parents allow it to control our lives. When we rely on it more than talking a stroll through the park, or watching a beautiful sunset with a loved one, we’ve lost a piece of our humanity.